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I speak volumes about women empowerment

I speak at length about treating women with respect

I dream of freedom in its truest sense

Living by myself and exploring the horizons

I dance away my blues

Feeling almost confident that I am fit to walk a lonely path

Speaking of marriage and the whole ‘arrange’ments that follow

And running away from the nagging in laws and their sanskari remarks so hollow

What makes a perfect woman, which the society dictates makes me cringe

While with a few shows to binge

And friends, the number of which even a toddler can manage to count

Yet on all 365 days barring every period week or when I turn into that grumpy PMSing bitch,

I presume I am happy and sane

But on days like these

I feel loneliness couldn’t have gotten this worst

Your siblings are either busy making beds or cleaning poop

Or finding their way through the maze of the workspace

Long lost friends are busy getting hitched

Even the last one from the tribe does

They have either their partners to hold on to

Or to ascribe that ‘good for nothing husband’ tag on them

Childhood besties transitioned to acquaintances

The gap between us now makes it seem even the longest bridge in the world is closer

Yet all that I hear or see are timelines with the ‘feeling loved’ selfies with partners

Or pictures of their shiny teeth from that long pending vacay

I look at their mushy posts and say ‘so lame’

And assert that this has not been my aim

But deep inside I sense a longing

A longing for that childhood crush I never had

The love letter and greeting cards I never received

That last café him and I could have gone to, as we adult

That shoulder I could have pressed when my tears rolled, at the movies

To walk across the streets and as our eyes met to mumble ‘This was it’

He would be that guy who would go on and on about how special I was

To blush when he sneakily plants a kiss on my cheeks and whispers in my ears, ‘I love you’

To cry and fight with him, and at times, for him

I wish I could experience that heart ache when we are miles apart

And to give him the warmest hug when we meet

To experience the first ‘sense’ of touch

And to believe you have seen it all

To go days without talking and get to know what heartbreak is

 And to eventually make up my mind and say this is what bliss is

To tell him my secret and wild desires

And to chuckle unveiling it all

To understand the joy of having a soulmate,

Who could be the best listener

And who could mirror my ideologies

Yet allow each other to just be

If only…

If only I was relieved of the ghosts inside of me that echo, ‘Is there anything wrong with me’

‘Is it my body?’

‘Or is it my face?’

‘Is it my colour?’

‘Is it because I was not full enough?’

‘Or is it because my goodness is not good enough?’

Why don’t I have a brag story of ‘Oh he is a bit possessive’

And to smile to myself while saying all this

Why I am a reflection of Drew Barrymore from that film

That says, ‘Why I am a never been kissed’

They say good things come to those who wait

And now I tell myself, ‘Oh come on, it is all a sham’

What does it do when you play it safe

And to be that good girl all the time

Wish I said no to being that conforming girl

And said yes to a lot more adventure

Met more people, more often

Or taken that first step

Or the leap of faith

And been more bold

Dared myself to do things I’d never have imagined

I wish I was a little less shy

And more open to life and love